Sufiah Yusof - World's Brainiest Prostitute

OK I’m a knob!

Let me just make a huge announcement now. I am a huge knob. Just ask my “wife”. She knows all about my knobbiness. Oi Oi! Not that knob la your dirty sewer minded cretin! Knob as in being total ass of a man. That knob not THAT knob ok! Get your UK lingo up to scratch please people!

So why am I a knob? Well today I checked my Yahoo Messenger messages. I left the PC and YM on when I left for home. While I was away I might as well torrent some movies yes? Why waste the bandwidth when you can download illegal stuffs. Back to the story shall we.So I checked out the message from Vivre and found a link to this a story regarding Sufiah Yusof.The same Sufiah Yusof who was taunted as a math prodigy nearly a decade ago. At the age of 13, little Sufiah entered Oxford to pursue a degree in math.At the time she was the youngest student to read math in the United Kingdom. Malays in Malaysia went wild since her mom is a Malaysian Malay. I believe MARA gave her a schlarship while she was there.

Anyways In that link I saw some saucy pictures of Sufiah. She is now a 130 quid a night hooker in Manchester. Going by the new name of Shilpa Lee,she is a far cry from the innocent jumper wearing kid we saw a decade ago. I should have been appalled by her career decision but the first thing that came out of my mouth was,

“Damn…that is one fine looking nerd. I let her dy/dx my body anyday. Who knows, I might get a Tangent 90 erection (just so you know Tan 90 = infinate)… Ka-Ching!!”

See I told you I am a huge knob. But that was my first reaction upon reading the article. I guess once a lad always a lad. I would like to apologise to my long suffering Cleo for having to put up with my laddishness.I can see her eyes rolling as she reads this. But to all the lads out there. Don’t tell me you honestly gasp and shaked your head when reading that article. Most of the heterosexual lads out there might be thinking the same thing as me when they saw her nicely formed bosoms. We all know how nice those Malay Pakistani girls can be yes? ZA ZING!

Ok seriously now. Earlier this year I wrote a piece regarding Adi Putra. The Malaysian child genius who thinks he is a Ferrari (hopefully not the next Malaysian most brilliant penebar roti canai). I wrote about how the burden of expectation may end up destroying him before he even enters adulthood. I now fear for Adi Putra’s future as he, just as Sufiah was put under a lot of stress at such an early age. Sufiah entered college at 13. Dropped out at 15. Married at 19 and divorced just a year later. At 23 she is paying her tuition fees by selling her body. What an eventful decade for her.Adi Putra entered college at the tender age of 7. What would happen in a decade? Watch this space ladies and gents. If Blogger and I are still alive in 2018 I will surely revisit this topic.

Oh and by the way,do you know that Asia Carrera is the world Brainiest Pornstar? She is a member of MENSA with a tested IQ of 156. She is a piano prodigy who performed at the Carnegie Hall twice before the age of 16. Taught English in Japan by 17.She did her first porn at 23 ( is 23 is threshold limit before going batshit for child prodigies?) and later became one of the world's most famous porn star. Her SAT score is 1440.Asia is a double major degree holder in Business and Japanese. Impressive huh? Just some stuff I dug up while writing this. NOT that I am a huge porn fan or anything!

What a difference a decade makes?

The way I see it, Sufiah’s prostitution career is her way of saying “Screw You Daddy!” So why did she turned into prostitution? Well I think she did all to get even. Her dad was convicted of molesting two 15 year olds that he was tutoring. By letting older men (she did mention her love of older men) molest her she is just rubbing salt into her father’s wound. When she wore the hijab a few years ago she did it to spite her secular parents. Both of these actions are classic examples of teenage angst. I think we all did it yes? . Doing things against our parent’s wishes. Since Sufiah never really had a normal childhood and teenage years she is making for lost time by doing it now in her mid twenties.Better late than never eh Sufiah? Just get it out of your system.

Will this last? To be honest this might just be a “phase”. I kept my hair long and listen to gangsta rap during my rebellious phase. That was as extreme as i can go.Definately my extreme is peanuts compared to her extreme.She had sex with older men for money. She must have some serious issues with her dad. I wonder if she was sexually assaulted as a child too. Any guy who picked up “Psychology for Dummies” can tell you a large percentage of strippers, prostitutes and porn stars were abused as a child. So the authorities in England should sit down with her and ask her the difficult question, “Were you sexually assaulted as a child?” I bet my bottom dollar that she was.

So to end this knob (and largely incoherent) entry I will like to end it with a tasteless joke.

“ Sufiah was a math genius who can solve the complex equation in her sleep. But lately she found out that by sleeping with men she can make $130 instanteneously! Best equation ever!”

Hahaha. Not funny! Now go kill yourself Effi.

p/s: Masa balik cuti last weekend. Adik aku suruh aku ajar statistics! HAHA. I can’t do it. So this week I need to brush up on that so I can tutor her. I realised that my ADD MATH proficiency now is only good up to form 4. Even doing “completion of square” method to solve an equation took me half an hour . Not only am I a knob. I can’t even do simple form 5 math! How the hell did I get that A fro A Level math? Must be a fluke!

p/p/s: Sorry for the disjointed entry. Just got back from Kepong around 7.30 this morning. Wrote this down after a few hours of business class! Will do better tomorrow!

How did you find this site again? #2

The (unfortunate) Sequel

See you guys monday. I'm babysitting my sister this weekend!

Kepada Yang Behormat Datuk Shabery Pipi

Harap maaf kepada pembaca, but I really need to write about this;

Minister drops RTM rule

KUALA LUMPUR: RTM will focus on news, not personalities, to ensure Malaysians are kept well informed, Information Minister Datuk Ahmad Shabery Cheek said.
Speaking at a luncheon with senior media editors yesterday, Shabery said RTM would not continue with the practice of making the information minister the "No. 3 Man" in the order of news priority, after the prime minister and deputy prime minister.

Shabery said the mainstream media still had a major role to play though the current worldwide trend was to turn to alternative sources of information.

He disagreed with the notion that Malaysians turned to the alternative media as the mainstream media was biased.
"Even in advanced countries where the media is said to be more independent, the people still choose the alternative media," he said.

Shabery believed that a better approach in the way the media disseminated information would help the people understand issues such as the rising fuel prices.

"One of the factors the people did not support the Barisan Nasional in the just-ended general election is because they did not understand the issue and were taken in by opposition promises to lower fuel prices," he said.

"I will meet every media organisation in order for me and my colleagues in the ministry to know the challenges that should be given attention." -- Bernama

Dear Minister;

How blind and lame can you be to even come up with these statements? How detached are you with the rakyat that you think the oil price issue is the crux of the BR’s success in the last election?

If you ask any enlightened (sorry but most people still voted for BN) Malaysian they will tell you that BN’s failure to secure the majority was down to the issues of perceived social injustice and rampant corruption under Abdullah Ahmad Badawi’s administration. That coupled with his public image as “Mr ZZZZ sleeping on the job” further shifted the votes in BR’s favour.

Stop making fool of yourself and report the truth. Haven’t the last election taught you anything about the virtues of transparency? Or would you like us rakyat to spell if out for you word for word and then put neon signs around it. Then top it off with green military strength signal smoke? I would do that if I have the means. Unfortunately I am just a poor blogger and don’t have access to slush funds like your friends in UMNO.

Please for the love of god stop making idiotic statement man! Are you so keen on licking the current admins ass that you are slowly modelling yourself after “MC” Zam Maidin.

Furthermore we turned to alternative media since it is less intrusive. We can pick and choose which news we want to read. On your MSM (main stream media) we are forced to watch at least 10 minutes of propaganda before we can actually see some real news. My parents for example haven’t watched the news at 8 for nearly seven years now. The only time they watch the news is when there is a major accident or catastrophe. On a daily basis I see mom flicking through Animal Planet or AWANI for Iranian movies (dad in the other hand would rather listen to Kuliah Maghrib at our local mosque). To think that when I was a kid, the news at eight is so important that gramps would go berserks if we didn’t watch it. He would order us to turn on the telly. Then he will sat at his favourite chair (a good 15 feet away) and spend the next half an hour ingesting the day's news. All the time with the volume turned up to the 11 due to his poor hearing.(I miss granddad. Rest in peace Datuk)

How the mighty have fallen. How’s the advert revenue doing for you guys lately? Not very good I reckon. I hope all those Undilah Barisan Nasional adverts were paid before the election yes? If not ,I bet you lost some major advertisement spot to accommodate those propaganda videos. May I please know who directed them? Leni Riefenstahl, the famous NAZI filmmaker would be proud of your effort to push the message down our medulla oblongata.

Personally I don’t think the MSM will ever recover from the rise of alternative media. It’s not just down to rakyat’s hatred of propaganda mind you. It is also down to the changes in lifestyle. Most of us work in big cities and will only get back home around seven or eight. Young and hip people like me (ehem ehem) would probably jump onto the computer to surf some stuff up (sites that are banned from the office network yeah!). That would eat up at least an hour. Who got time to sit for an hour watching some chaps reading the news when we can get all that in 15 minutes of reading? .The only fella I think who got the time must be the “I GOT TIME” guy from ASTROMAX advert. If one subscribed to RSS feeds it’s even faster to get news as it happens. So who needs Bulletin Utama, Berita RTM or Nightline anymore? I certainly don’t. I no longer have a telly in my room since it’s hardly switched on. The PC is all I need.

So please Minister of Information. Open up and try to make the MSM relevant again. Although I think you are doomed from the start. The surging tide of alternative media and internet will make TV obsolete. Its already happening in the USA (people TIVOed their TV shows and watch them at their leisure. Skipping news and adverts in the process) and it will happen here as soon as ASTROMAX introduces some competitive pricing schemes.

Honestly people. How many of you guys here still watch the Berita Jam 8 religiously? Anybody?

p/s: yeah its a political post. its been over a week now. so let me get my Zach De LaRocha wig on this week yes? Need to balance out useless post with "fiery boring political crap best reserved for Malaysia-Today comment section"

How did you find this site again?

What? You don't say.

I was interested in knowing how you guys found my site. Was it accidental? Was it because of the unusual user name? So anyway Bravenet provides a referral service where i can track back from where the last 10 hits came from.Over the past 4 weeks I have been finding some very unusual and funny referrals. Check these out. This are all real search results which causes these people to stumble upon this blog! If you have a site counter with referral service, go check out yours too. It could be the funniest thing you see all week!

Lagu penderaan? Torture music? I'm concerned by this google search. Is this guy a masochist looking for music to torture his/her slave or something?

This is borderline creepy. Sex with geanie is the last thing on my mind when this site was conceived

Yang boy get fuak. Nuff' said people. This is bizarre because its a combination of an Arabic Google,very bad spelling capability and my blog actually turning up at the top. The guy must be pissed when he realised that this blog contained no YANG BOY GET FUAK at all. LOL

Now go to your blog and find your own funny and bizarre referrals!

Movie Review of The Month - March

El Orfanato – The Orphanage

I fell in love with Spanish horror genre after watching Pan’s Labyrinth. It offers a refreshing take on how horror movie can be presented. Before PL I never knew fairy tale can be used to tell a horror story. Very clever by the spanish! During that time Hollywood and Asian horror were recycling old ideas which no longer scared me. Hollywood tried so hard to scare people with their monsters (always wielding sharp implements and chasing a fair chested lassie in slo-mo) The Asian horror in the other hand is obsessed with little kids with white faces and sounding like kittens. Even Malaysian horror movies started importing Japanese ghost. Where are the Pocongs and Toyols? I am sick of the same old Pontianak.Pontianak is overused and is too similar to the Korean and Japanese “hantus” (long hair with white blouse anyone?). With such a rich variety of ghosts in our Malay lore ,one would expect other "jembalangs" to have their own franchise. Bring back Si Tora si Harimau Jadian pronto!!

Enough ramblings. Let’s get back to the review shall we?

El Orfanato is a film that revolves around an orphanage (DO’H!). A former resident of the orphanage decides to the orphanage when it closed down. She decided to reopen it as a house for kids with special needs. She lived there with her husband and her son. Soon the boy started talking about his “friends”. The parents at first thought he was going through his invisible friends phase. Before you know it these so called friends start being malicious. Now it’s up to this woman to find out why these restless spirits are after her.

The movie might sound generic. The usual started ok then everything fucks up followed by desperate need to find an absolution. The thing that makes El Orfanato special from all its peers is the ending. It is pure class. Like all good modern horror, the ending will always be a clever twist. This film is as good as The Sixth Sense and The Others in terms of plot twisting. You never saw it coming and when you realised what happened you sympathise with the characters. The ending is quite heart wrenching. Something that I didn’t expect from a horror movie.

What I like the most about this movie is the total absence of CGI. That is very refreshing in today’s film. Everything is done using make up and physical effects. You don’t even see the ghost that often. But when it finally pops up, it was a massive pay off. I will no longer look at scarecrows the same way again. Earlier on I mentioned Alejandro Amenabar’s The Others. The orphanage is in the same vein as that opus of a film. If you like The Others, I guarantee that you will love this movie. The story has some parallels and best of all like The Others, the filmmaker did not resolve to using cheap scares. No false scares were used. You know the one like hearing sounds and turns out it’s just a cat jumping kind of scare. Nice!

I don’t think this film will ever reach our shores .So just jump into The Piratesbay and torrent the thing now. Last time I checked there are still a few thousand people seeding this gem of a Spanish movie (I will seed it until a ratio of 3.0). Incidentally this film was submitted to the Oscars for best foreign film. It didn’t win but hey if Spain sent this film to represent it, it must good right?

All in all I give it an 8/10. So why not 10 or at least a 9 Effi? Well the film is a bit slow at the beginning. You might lose some interest with its pace. The story only picks up a quarter down the movie (total running time is 100+ minutes). It’s like Cloverfield but without the expensive CGI. Same amount of scare with a quarter of the budget.

In conclusion El Orfanato is probably the best horror movie so far (unlike the forgettable The Eye remake). I’m waiting for Congkak to be released on cinemas this month. Just want to see how much Malay horror has evolved over the past 3 years. After Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam the Malay horror genre is experiencing a renaissance. It is no longer shacked like it did in the 80’s to 90’s. The last few offerings are not good but not too bad either. It’s just good enough for a popcorn or two. I hope Congkak can bring something new to the table. A horror movie revolving around a traditional game. That is a novel idea yes? If this film took off, I swear we will see movies called “Teng-Teng” , “ Galah Panjang” or “ Batu Seremban” next. WAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Tidak Demam

Akademi Fantasia 6

AF is back! Hide your mobile and lock the keypad to your house phone. The annual vote for the worst singer competition is back. And it is shittier than ever. This time around we have a grandma in the mix. That will be fun. Imagine a grandma getting an education in singing. We all know grandma doesn’t like to be told she can’t sing. That’s the only reason to watch AF. The sheer drama and bitching (come to think of it that is the ONLY reason to watch reality tv). In that case should we instead lobby for the local version of Big Brother? Ah! Imagine the uproar that would ensued.AF is already a semi big brother. All they have to do is ditch the weekly concert. In its place just use the extra budget for a huge 11 person hot tub and a communal shower (with at least 23 cameras to cover every conceivable angles!). Walla! Instant transformation.

Speaking of the grandma, holy god! She can’t sing. Isn’t she a singer by profession? I was expecting a professional performance from her. Jacqueline Victor was a club singer and she wiped the floor with the other contestants in Malaysian Idol.Grandma in the other hand, needs to have her ugly face wiped off the TV screen ASAP. Does this solidify the idea that night club singers are no more than the bottom scraper of the music industry? (Like Simon Cowell always said “you sound like a cabaret singer bla bla”) Plus if you are a singer in a pub or a nightclub, I do believe you are singing to a mostly drunken crowd. They are too wasted to care if you can sing or not. Grandma’s rendition of the Tina Turner classic can best be described as a grunt fest. Why do people sing with a grunt? The guttural sound is not sexy people! I first saw this kind of singing style used by Celine Dion. In Malaysia Misha Omar is the main offender/practitioner. With Misha you can see her bend her knees and clench her small anus before grunting her lyrics out. Note to grunters, it’s not cool and it’s most definitely off putting especially when I’m having my late dinner.Aku pulak rasa macam nak berak!

We also have Siti’s sister in this competition. No doubt riding on the coattails of her famous sibling to get in. Saida can’t sing too. She is a nervous wreck on stage. Why is she in when Saerah isn't? (they auditioned together and one after another) I think Saerah is the better singer. Some people say Saerah is already a contestant in One in A Million so she is therefore disqualified.

Weird. I think AF already has a few other contestants that appeared in other reality shows before this. This brought the question. Is our talent pool so shallow that we have to recycle contestants? By taking these failures into the show, are the producers aware they are trying to push leftovers as their next winner? They are not good enough in MI/Gangstars/Audition/One in a Million/Mentor/Bintang RTM (circle where applicable) so why do you think they will be fare any better in AF?

Almost all of the contestant can’t sing. Well can’t sing to my standards at least. Most of them sound generic to my ear. In Malaysian Idol/OIAM I always hear Paul said they are looking for real singers and not imitators. That’s why Dayang NurFaizah and Sarah Raizuddin failed to win the competition. They tried too hard to imitate Beyonce.

In AF this season, you can see the aspiring stars mimics the way the original singer’s way of singing the song. American Idol this year might be a drab affair, but at least we can see fresh interpretation of old songs (like in The Beatles week last week) AF to me is a glorified karaoke show. They use sappy stories to gain votes. Like this week they already brought the grandchildren of the grandma on stage. Oh so weepy. (all together now.. “Awwwwwwww so cute!!!”). ASTRO probably realised that the only way for her to survive is to resort to this sappy method. Hey they have to keep her in. Last year the sms votes fell down to a new low. The 30 -50 years old demographic just couldn’t give a fuck to vote for the contestants. It does not take a genius to figure out that this grandma was planted to get the “oldies” to vote for her.

Looking at my mom’s reactions it probably backfired;

“Baik balik rumah jaga cucu!”
“Tak sesuai betul”

That’s what she said. Fact of the matter is people between the ages of 20-50 just didn’t care about reality TV. Only the kids would vote and they don’t really have the voting power of the 20-50 years old due to their limited credits.As I said last week most people are tired of reality TV.Furthermore about 5 years ago NTV7 produced "Who Will Win". In it retirees compete in a weekly show much like MI. it ran for a season before being cancelled. Pushing oldies in a TV show just won't work. It's like having a 50-70 year old edition of Fear Factor. Not gonna happen!

Malaysia Dreamgirls (MD) despite the sexy premise and back biting on offer failed to hook me in. I watched four episodes before realising I’m better off shaving my armpits than watch the show. As the viewers dwindled you can see the quality going down with it. Last week’s episode of MD is a good example of how not to edit and record the audio for a TV show. Imagine 8 minutes of models “walking” down a runway. They even manage to squeeze in slow-mo shots to prolong it even more (but they failed to use slo-mo during the lingerie photoshoot – THE FOOLS). Then we have really bad audio recording. Echoes and background noises make it feel like I’m watching my own amateur video project. I bet next week they will axe 6 people just to cut the series short. Stop the senseless bleeding of money for such a stupid show.

I think AF will do that too. Maybe start eliminating the “pelajars” two at a time. They did it last year midway through the season. They manage to cut 4 shows before the finale (last year was the first time a student was eliminated in the first concert – I think). That’s four less weeks of aural and ocular torture. Please cut a further two shows from the regular season ASTRO. I can’t stand AC Mizal and his incessant yammerings. He makes me want to choke him through the LCD monitor. Hopefully this will be the last AF ever. Time to innovate! Less reality shows please!

With Regards to Yesterday's Matches

Bring on The Scums!

Construction Complete! #4

Time To Move In!

Ok. That’s it. Enough of twiddling around with the codes for me. Another revamp completed. Sorry for the constant changes folks. Don’t worry though. The site will remain unchanged for at least another six months. It’s just my habit to constantly change the site according to my mood.I tried twiddling with the XML code earlier this week but the whole thing just doesn’t look right. So at the moment I’m sticking to the old HTML template. For me the XML is good for people who like to drag and drop widgets into their blogs. But it is not easily edited for extreme customisation yet. This is more down to my unfamiliarity with the language.

Oh yeah. The site has been tested to work on Opera 9.26 (I use Opera all the time), Firefox 2.0.0.12 and Internet Explorer 7 (sucky browser!).

So what are the changes?

Star Rating;

Added a five stars rating system for every posts. Now you can rate my entries and tell me how sucky they really are. Just click and rate. No need to login of anything like that. This feature will tell me what kind of articles you guys like to read. The feedback would be much appreciated.

Site Feed;

The last 10 comments can now be viewed on the sidebar. I often missed comments on older post so this feature will be good for me to see who commented on which topic. It’s a real neat RSS feed feature. You can get the tutorials on how to put it in your blog here.

Artlinks;

I just changed the links to a graphical one to emphasis that these links are not regular blogs. Just some Deviantart or Flickr pages. Still not sure about this one though. I need a few days before deciding to keep or ditch this idea.

New Sidebar Title and Profile Picture;

The old sidebar title is getting old on me. So I’m reverting to a simple talk bubble design (something that I used in previous design of this blog). I just think this one is a lot neater than the old one. Plus the GIF size is smaller too which means faster loading time.

The profile picture always bothers me. I think the size is too small and there is no way to resize it to my liking. I just the ditch the whole thing and start from scratch. Using the same idea as the sidebar title my profile was also designed to look like a talk bubble. I think it turned out quite well.

And if you are wondering, that is a bun I’m holding in my hand. This picture was taken four years ago. I was such a slim little bastard back then! These days I look more like an oversized kebab. Need to work out! HAHA. It’s easier said than done. With no ciggies to pollute my tastebuds, I think I’ve been eating a lot more! Damn!

P/s: Send you bug report here

Youtube Malaya

Video Youtube terbaik dari Malaysia

Nak cari video mat salleh yang lawak memang senang. Nah! aku bagi tiga video lawak buatan Malaysia. Semuanya boleh buatkan kamu garu kepala atau salah satu antara reaksi berikut. Semua pun mungkin jugak.

"Amende tuh?"
"Huh?"
"Natam apa ni?"
"Argh sakir perut! oksigen oksigen. tolong"
"WTF? LOL"

Paling kurangpun boleh buat kamu terjatuh kerusi.

MalaysianNews = bagi aku YouTuber Malaysia paling lawak dan prolifik.Video dia selalu buat teguran sinis pada isu besar.Macam remix Lingam ni! 5 bintang.Subscribe beb!



Rock Sarawak = lawak tahap sumpit.Layan lirik sampai habis. Memang lirik ikhlas punya!



Dan ini.Terbaik! kalau tak gelak anda bukan manusia! MariBerbaikBaik pun YouTuber yang best.Video "Geli Mat" yang famous tu dia yang buat.Tapi dia tak seprolifik macam MalaysianNews.Jangan lupa layan dan subscribe kepada channel dia!



Last one. Setelah bincang dengan K aku rasa Kena letak bonus video ni.Sakit perut cramp gila babi! Hasil kerja MariBerbaikBaik jugak.Genius!




p/s:Kali terakhir aku gunakan video sebagai filler ialah tahun 2006. Di posting ini. So mintak maaf tuan puan. Sesungguhnya idea tidak datang bergolek minggu ni. Kalau ada pun tak lengkap dan tidak hensem isinya. Kena tulis semula. Maka enjoylah dulu video-video ni semetara aku bertapa di Gunung Mentol Menyala

Nota Buat Diri Sendiri

Peringatan

Nota kepada diri sendiri.Mingu depan kembali kepada normal. Balik semua kepada penulisan sinikal dan lebih coherent dalam bahasa inggeris. Kurangkan typo dan kalau boleh baca semula karangan sendiri sekurang-kurangnya 8 kali. Lebih afdal kalau 12 kali.Kenapalah aku banyak sangat typo? Dileksikkah? Yang anehnya kalau aku cek satu artikel, aku mesti jumpa 5 typos. Kalau cek sebelum posting tak nampak pulak. Mesti ada ketinggalan huruf atau penyambung ayat. Satu lagi misteri otak yang harus aku cari jawapnnya (GOOGLE IT?). Bagaimana otak aku boleh buta kepada typo yang jelas macam ni?

Nota kepada diri sendiri. Mingu depan kembali kepada kekerapan satu posting setiap tiga hari. Senang sedikit hendak cari idea dan lagi banyak masa untuk periksa typo. Masa yang lebih juga boleh digunakan untuk layan Youtube dan korek video-video penuh wtf disana. Oh ya,kalau boleh jangan terlalu taksub dengan MRirian. Video dia tak sedap mana pun wahai Effi.

Nota kepada diri sendiri. Kurangkan minum Coke sebanyak 25% lagi. Pada waktu ni aku hanya minum satu botol Coke besar untuk satu setengah hari. Cuba naikkan kepada satu botol setiap dua. Kadang kala terasa ginjal macam nak meletup akibat bebanan lebih. Lebih-lebih lagi kalau tak makan tengahari dan meneguk Coke setiap 30 minit. Boleh rasa esophagus dipenuhi wasap asid perut. Amat funky!

Nota kepada diri sendiri. Tinggalkan nota kepada teman serumah tentang permasalahan bulu pubis. Tulis dengan marker merah dan tampal diatas tangki tandas.

“Pastikan bulu pubis kamu tidak bergelimpangan di atas rim tandas. Aku tak boleh berak kalau ada unclaimed pubis. Kena sembur dengan showerhead baru selesa.Lepas tu bontot basah pulak pasal tempat duduk basah!”

Notis tambahan;

“Jangan sapu pubis ke lantai. Itu sungguh tidak cool! Pamlah sekali ke dalam mangkuk selepas menunaikan hajat”

Nota terakhir kepada diri sendiri. Nota kepada diri sendiri ialah untuk bacaan personal. Bukan untuk tatapan umum!

p/s: Artikel Youtube yang dipost awal pagi tadi ditarik semula kerana terlalu LAME ASS!

XML

Bahasa dari Langit?

Waduh sukar sungguh mahu mengubah templat blog. Kalau dulu senang je pasal masih lagi CSS dan HTML. Sekarang blogger dah mula guna XML pulak. Aku CSS pun tak khatam lagi. Maka hari ni aku menulis setelah penat cuba pahamkan “custom class” yang ada dalam XML.(nota:ketika artikel ini ditulis aku masih tak paham)

Maaf posting hari ni agak teknikal. Tapi aku dah naik bengang dengan perubahan teknologi yang laju sangat. PHP lah, COLDFUSION lah, XHTML lah. Bila lah aku nak khatam semua ni? Aku kalau boleh memang nak kerja dalam bidang rekabentuk web. Tapi kebanyakkan benda yang aku tulis diatas tu memang tak diajar kepada budak multimedia.Semua yang aku belajar berat kepada bahagian grafik. Bagaimana mahu guna Dreamweaver, Photoshop ,Illustrator dan Flash. Itupun sekadar menguis permukaan aje. Lepas duduk 4 jam dalam kelas dan menjadi separa beku,banyak lagi benda aku tak tahu.

Paling sakit hati ialah bila betanya pada pensyarah,mereka pun kurang pasti. Nak buat macamana, diorang pun macam aku. Lebih cenderung pada grafik dan bukan kepada “server side”. Maka kena lah belajar dari guru yang paling hebat didunia, Encik Google dari jaringan web. Kalau tak ada Encik Google memang tak berjalanlah projek. Terima kasih juga kepada mak bapak Encik Google kerana membesarkan anak yang berguna pada masyarakat. Bayangkan kalau aku belajar zaman awal 90’an. Mau terperap di perpustakaan sambil “membaca” index buku rujukkan. Wow buku! Dah berapa kurun aku tak belajar dari buku. Layan PDF je sekarangni.

Aku bukan tak suka belajar benda baru. Aku suka sangat, tapi kalau boleh biar lah ada logik disebalik apa yang dipelajari. Macam XML ni aku tak tahu siapa yang cipta. Sekali tengok macam bahasa dari Afrika. Kamu pernah tak dengar lawak Russel Peters pasal bahasa Afrika? Pernah? Kalau tak klik pada nama Russel Peters ni. Dalam lawak tu Russel ada sebut di Afrika, nama boleh dieja dengan menggunakan tanda seruan. !Xobile, itu contoh nama Afrika dalam lawak dia

Masa aku bukak dokumen XML aku jumpa tanda dollar. Lagi la aneh! Pasal tu lah aku kata bahasa web ni sama macam bahasa Afrika. Malah lebih kompleks!

background: #1a1a18 repeat-x $startSide center top;

Ada hash dan dollar! Lepas tu huruf besar mucul tidak diundang ditengah-tengah ayat. Kalau tak letak huruf besar web jadi lintang pukang. Terasa macam nak bagi je kod ni kepada Russel Peters. Mesti dia boleh buat lawak pasal programmers. Bukan suatu coincidence yang kebayakkan penulis program terdiri dari golongan nerds. Golongan nerds suka karya sains fiksyen (Star Wars, Star Trek, Babylon5). Jadi diorang tulis aturcara programming dengan syntaks bahasa seolah-olah dari Marikh (atau Tattoine, Kh'cthar, Lavin Confederacy <--pilih ikut alam sains fiksyen mana yang kamu suka) .Mungkin ini cara mereka untuk membuatkan manusia biasa seperti aku rasa bodoh bila cuba memahami apa yang mereka taip. Balasan tuhan pada aku pasal suka tumbuk kawan-kawan yang nerdy dulu kot? Tuhan memang adil. Padan muka aku!

XML oh XML….. kenapalah kamu buat aku pening?

Bila aku amati coding ni. aku nampak lima "middle finger salute". Mesej rahsia ke?

MBI: Minggu Bahasa Ibunda

Ibunda , ibonda , e-bonda - Sebab Musabab

Tebiat kamu Effi? Kenapa tiba-tiba saja menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu? Bukan BM kamu tunggang langgang ke? Buat malu orang melayu saja. Dah la nama serupa yahudi ,menulis bahasa melayu pun tersedak-sedak macam orang ibrani!

Ya! Aku tengah buang tabiat. Tabiat lama tidak menulis dalam bahasa melayu. Agak berkarat kawasan otak yang menyimpan data bahasa melayu aku. Kena sental dengan asid. Kasi berkilau balik. Kurang-kurangpun biar nampak terjaga sikit.Kali terakhir aku tulis dalam bahasa melayu secara “regular” ialah masa SPM. Dekat blog ni penulisan melayu aku mungkin 3 kali sebulan. Kebanyakkannya pantun syok sendiri.Bukan karangan lengkap. Tapi buat masa sekarang satu rangkap pantun pun tak mampu aku tulis. Beku pulak otak dengan idea lain. Kalau ada idea pun ianya lebih kepada isu politik. Pasca pilihanraya ni ada baikbnya kita kurangkan menulis pasal politik. Aku yakin kamu pun dah bosan asik dengar pasal politik kan? Kalau mahu baca pasal politik sila ke Malaysia-Today. Bacalah sampai kamu rasa macam nak menikam Khairy Jamaluddin di vena kava sebanyak tiga kali.

Sebenarnya menulis dalam bahasa melayu ni rumit. Satu sebabnya ialah aku ni menaip tak tentu hala. Hendak eja AYAM kadang kala tertaip AYMA. Siapa yang kenal aku masa di UTP dulu memang boleh ceritakan betapa teruknya (ketiadaan) kemahiran menulis aku. Sampai ke satu tahap diorang boleh teka apa yang aku tulis hanya dengan membaca typo.

Effi: Hey lahanta banag respema tak malam ni skaru julaji?
Butet: Ha’ah kejap lagi kitorang akan menaiki basikal beramai-ramai.

Kalau aku menulis dalam bahasa inggeris, selepas menaip aku boleh tekan aje butang spellcheck. Dua tiga minit lepas tu dah terpadam segala typo.

Bila menulis dalam BM semua yang ditaip itu dikira sebagai typo oleh komputer. Ada tak plug-in spellcheck BM dalam Microsoft Words? Kalau ada memang aku nak install sekarang jugak. Akibat tak ada spellchecker menulis pun jadi perlahan. Lepas taip satu ayat,aku cepat-cepat baca balik dan pastikan “jika” tidak ditaip “jiak”.Lapan puluh peratus typo aku mesti ada masalah dengan kehadiran huruf “A” dan posisinya dalam ejaan. Jari di tangan kiri suka menambah atau menolak huruf A dari ejaan sebetulnya. Kenaap pun aku yak tahu.

Masalah kedua ialah menyusun ayat. Akibat dah biasa menulis dalam bahasa inggeris ,susun atur ayat dalam BM pun jadi terbalik. BM memang sudah sedia maklum lain aturan ayatnya. Jadi ketika aku menulis aku lebih kerap befikir dalam BI. Semua idea yang tertulis sekarang ni asalnya dalam BI dalam otak. Maka aku kena translate idea tu “on the fly” ke hujung jari.Jadi bila aku baca balik ayat terjemahan automatik ni mesti aku garu kepala. Tak masuk akan pun ada.Boleh dikatakan aku “taken for granted” pada kapabiliti otak untuk menterjemahkan ayat dan dialog inggeris kepada BM secara bawah sedar (subconsciously). Bagaimana dengan kamu? Pernah tak terasa betapa peliknya cara otak berfungsi.

Masalah terakhir pula ialah ialanya Bahasa Melayu ini canggung bagi aku. Akhbar melayu aku tak baca apakan lagu novel melayu. Lepas SPM boleh dikatakan bahasa Malaysia aku layan macam bahasa kedua. Kalau bercakap dengan teman pun lebih kepada BI. Jadi aku kena mintak maaf awal-awal kalau mutu penulisan untuk MBI ni amat rendah. Harapannya kalau aku banyak menulis ada la peningkatan. Sikit pun jadilah asalkan tak terkubur kemelayuan aku. Dah la perangai dah tak melayu. Tapi kad pengenalan mahu pula letak melayu dan ambil status bumiputera. Kalau mahu status bumi jangan lupa bahasa bumi. Tak begitu?

Akhir sekali aku adakan Minggu Bahasa Ibunda ini kerana bulan lepas adik aku tanya aku.Abang,macam mana nak tulis karangan? Aku terdiam. Tak tahu aku macam mana nak menulis dalam BM. Terasa malu pun ada. Lepas tu terdengar khabar Kementerian Pelajaran mahu tukar teks bacaan sastera sekarang kepada penulisan Akhadiat Akashah. Kononnya pelajar sastera sekarang dah tak paham hasil tulisan Pak Sako , A Samad Said dan Usman Awang. Sedih pula rasanya Macam mana mereka boleh gantikan karya penulis agung melayu dengan tulisan si penulis cinta longkang? Kalau kamu lihat penulis melayu moden, rata-ratanya menulis cerpen cinta karat. Tak ada penulis yang buat kamu berfikir macam Usman Awang (aku kagum sungguh dengan penulisan allahyarham - naik bulu roma!). Jadi tergeraklah hati nak mencuba menulis dalam bahasa ibunda minggu ni.

Minggu ni je. Tak lama. Kelakar jugak bila tengok nama blog yang diterjemah! Geli panckreas aku. Aku mahu lihat feedback dari kamu juga. Pelan asal mungkin dalam sebulan, semingu aku serahkan pada MBI.Minggu depan kita tulis balik dalam bahasa inggeris. Bagaimana? Ok ke tak idea aku ni?

ANTM – Versi Malaya

Sazzy Falak lagi best dari Tyra Banks?

Bilakah penerbit rancangan TV hendak sedar yang realiti TV sudah sampai tarikh luputnya? Dia tak sedar ke banyak manusia di bumi azza wajalla ni sudah muak dengan rancangan realiti? Bagi saja kami racangan fantasi. Bagi saja kami cerita pari-pari indo dan novella dada lebar. Asalkan bukan TV realiti.

Kalau dulu mungkin rancangan realiti ada novelti. Peluang untuk berinteraksi dan merasa diri bagai dewa itu memang unik pada awalnya. Boleh kekalkan atau tolak peserta hanya dengan menekan butang telefon (atau butang merah jika ianya rancangan ASTRO). Terasa diri kamu penting pada mata mereka. Tiba-tiba kamu sedar apa yang penting di mata mereka bukanlah pendapat kamu. Yang penting ialah duit kamu yang melayang semudah menekan butang tadi. Tak perlu tandatangan untuk dapatkan wang. Borang J dan penyata bank simpanan selama 6 bulan pun tak payah. Tekan aje bang! Biarkan kami merompak kamu dalam senyap.

Di stadium kamu berlumba-lumba hendak naikkan kain rentang terbesar. Lepas itu pulang ke rumah dan bergaduh secara sms pula dengan penyokong peserta lain (Mawi botak macam buddha.. islamik apa? boo!!). Terbanglah lagi wang yang penat kamu usahakan. Lepas penat mengundi kamu disogok lagi untuk beli album separuh masak mereka. Bagi sahaja lagu apa. Kamu terlompat-lompat mahu membeli.Tak lama selepas itu kamu sedar artis yang di-chenta tak boleh menyanyi rupanya! Aiseh mari kita lompat kapal dan undi peserta musim hadapan pula. Hilang duit lagi. Bagus.

Nota kepada penerbit hiburan. Sekali lagi TV realiti sudah tamat tempoh. Sila kembali membuat program berkualiti. Kalau ye pun nak buat rancangan realiti, biarlah variasi sikit. Asik nyanyian. Aku dah nak mendidih ni. Lagi sekali aku dengar orang bagi komen “Eh pitching kamu lari dan agak terkucil” aku akan ambil pisau dan kerat leher anak kucing sampai putus sebanyak tiga kali.

Baru-baru ni ada rancangan ala-ala ANTM. Malaysian Dreamgirls tajuknya. Tapi dari peserta 12 teratas, lebih sesuai kalau dipanggil Gadis Menggigau Malaysia.Tak ada yang mencengkam jiwa macam Cik Cleo saya ( peringatan: kenyataan ni mungkin fiksyen, semata-mata menjaga hati bini tersayang!).Beza rancangan ni ialah ianya 100% di internet. Jika mahu menonton pastikan kamu punya Streamyx. Lepas tu pastikan kamu tidak berkongsi satu switch dengan housemate kamu. Pasal kalau share mmg sehari suntuk lah kena menanti habis loading. Mula-mula aku rasa unik jugak idea ni. Tak lah aku dipaksa menonton perang “anjing betina” lagi di TV. Campakkan saja di internet. Tapi bila lihat preview baru aku tahu kenapa rancangan ni dicampak ke internet. Seksi habis bagi tontonan televisyen terrestial. Dari melayu sampai la ke India semua kena sumbat pakai hot pants dan sports bra. Yang seorang melayu ni muka masa ambil gambar hot pants tu nampak sangat tak selesa. Bila tengok episod seterusnya (dah 4 episode pun) dia cuba telefon mak bapak dia. Langsung tak diangkat. AYOK! Mama abah dah marah! Tak tahu. Kamu pakai seluar senteng nampak kuku unta! Tak tahu ayokkk!

Lepas tu meleleh la air mata wanita muslim ni (tersedak seketika) pasal mak abah dia mesti tengah marah tahap Versuvius. Telefon banyak kali masih tak diangkat. Maka dia pun ceritakan masalah dia pada teman serumah. Yang bestnya teman bukan muslim semua pakat gunakan jawapan templat. “Tak apa mereka akan paham. Jangan risau”. Aduhai rancangan realiti. Berapa punya jauh kamu punya realiti dari realiti dunia sebenar .Aku tunggu je minah ni kena tendang keluar. Lepas tu balik rumah kena basuh la dengan mak abah dia. Dalam ANTM pun masih ada peserta yang tarik dri pasal alasan agama dan moral. Di Malaysia diredahnya semua tak pikir padahnya. Bila mak abah sudah berang barulah nak mengalir air mata. Malang buat kamu, hot pants sudah menjadi bubur.Bubur pula sudah dimakan beruang Goldilocks.Beruang Goldilocks pulak sudah dimakan menjadi afrodisiak.

Bagaimana? Teruja atau tidak untuk menonton? Aku mesti tengok punyalah lepas ni (nikmat bersalah <--translasi literal). Semata-mata nak tengok perang anjing betina. Hendak buktikan pada dunia yang wanita asia ni tak banyak bezanya dari wanita eropah. Sama je pe’el nya. Cuma pada hemat aku wanita asia lagi merbahaya! Lihat saja Cik Cleo... Reowwww! Mari isikan masa terluang kamu dengan membuang masa di www.malaysiandreamgirl.tv

p/s: Pak lebai osman. Jangan tonton nanti gelap hati
p/p/s: Buat Cik Cleo. Maafkan abang pasal propagasikan rancangan tak ada kelas ini! Saya hanya jantan hamba nafsu yang lemah! Ho ho

3 Bulan

Come on resolusi tahun baru!

Trimester pertama. Segalanya nampak bagus setakat ini. Tiada komplikasi atau “relapse” pada silinder laknat . Baru terbau wasapnya sudah cukup buat aku kurang senang. Perlahan-lahan aku kembali ke dunia manusia. Bukan lagi dunia jin yang dietnya memang sudah tentunya makan asap.

Aku bercakap tentang rokok. Silinder kecil yang banyak menghabiskan “Agong” didalam bank dan dompetku. Kali ini harapnya biarlah muktamad kerana ikhlas aku katakan aku tak mampu lagi nak “sustain” hobi orang kaya ni. Kenapa aku katakan ini hobi orang kaya? Kerana orang kaya aje boleh menbakar RM 8.50 sehari. Itupun kalau jenis sekotak sehari bukan dua tiga kotak.Patrick Swayze aku dengar sampai lima enam kotak. Tapi dia tak apa. Dia kaya dan sudah hampir nak mampos. Ho ho ho.

Lama jugak aku fikirkan kenapa aku hisap rokok? Adakah kerana inginkan alasan untuk mati awal? Mungkin aku rasakan kenser tidak akan hinggap pada tubuh sasa (sesak?) ini? Atau aku mahu cool seperti John Constantine?. Sebenarnya semua bermula dengan kebosanan tahap siku. Bila bosan rokok adalah pengisi ruang paling hebat dalam sejarah dunia. Merokok memerlukan konsentrasi. Untuk menikmati rokok kamu kena tolak benda-benda lain ketepi. Tumpukan perhatian pada teknik hisapan (homoerotik sungguh). Sedut dalam-dalam (double homo). Secara serta merta dapat rasakan “kick” nya. Sedar-sedar kamu sudah habiskan 2 batang. Sepuluh minit berlalu. The best time filler and waster at the same time!

Kalau kamu sedar , sejak dua menjak ni rajin betul aku menulis. Dulu mungkin sekali seminggu. Sekarang hari-hari pulak.Bila teringat rokok je aku mula menaip. Aku isikan masa merokok dengan menulis.Output penulisan bertambah tapi malang sekali kualiti masih sengal. Alangkah bagusnya kalau kreativiti juga mendadak naik bila berhenti merokok. Agaknya banyak sel otak telah terbunuh sehingga berlaku kerencatan kekal! Tidak lagi boleh menoleh kebelakang. Ayat ini sangat tempang (this sentence is so lame!)

Bila bercakap pasal merokok kita tak boleh pisahkan dia dengan ketagihan. Aku rasa ketagihan ini pokok pangkalnya kebosanan. Bila bosan kita akan cuba isikan masa dengan aktiviti. Tak kiralah aktiviti itu bodoh atau merbahaya.Macam Jackass. Hidup terlalu bosan sampai sanggup minum kencing sendiri. Lihat pula pekerja kontrak. Apa mereka lakukan sementara menanti cat dan simen kering? ( dua perkara paling exciting dalam dunia!) Semuanya habiskan masa bosan dengan merokok. Paling kurang pun minum teh ais tepi longkang. Bagaimana pula dengan pelajar kolej? Duduk depan PC lepas study ( hahha study konon padahal layan ROCCO!) , sudah semestinya bosan. Ambik sebatang dua dan hisap. Hilang bosan lepas tu pegi mamak order makan. Sambil tunggu roti tisu bosan balik. Hisap lagi sebatang.

Kaitan kebosanan dengan ketagihan tidak terhad kepada merokok. Semua jenis ketagihan boleh dikaitkan dengan kebosanan. Obisiti? Alkaholik? Seks? Semuanya aku rasa datang dari kebosanan ketika ada keluangan. Bosan menanti ikan memakan umpan di joran? Hisap rokok. Anda gemuk dan tiada aktiviti boleh anda lakukan? Silakan makan lagi! Anda bosan duduk bilik dan awek duduk di sebelah dengan senyuman manja? Seks! LOL!

Mungkin bunyinya agak simplistik. Tapi kalau kebosan dalam masa terluang ini dapat dimatikan aku yakin ketagihan juga akan lesap. Tapi timbul persoalan baru. Aku sekarang isi masa terluang dengan menulis dan membaca buku? Adakah ini bermakna aku sekarang ketagih menulis dan membaca pulak?

HMMMMMMMMMMMM?

Copy Paste and Replace some Words = NEWS

Bukan sukar hendak menjadi wartawan! Ubah ayat sikit je!

IGP: MALRAF trying to garner support from terrorist groups

Pulau Pinang: There are signs lately that the Malay Rights Action Force (MALRAF) is trying to garner support from terrorist groups, the police charged yesterday.

Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said MALRAF has also set up a fund by misleading the public into believing that the money is to finance its activities.

“We view such matters very seriously. It is also very worrying especially when we live in a multi-racial society.

Ominous words: The front page of Thursdays edition of Singapore’s The New Paper which interviewed UMNOputera and quoted him as saying that MALRAF will not rule out violence.

“The police will not hesitate to take stern action against anyone to ensure that peace and security prevails in this country,” he said.

Musa also said the group was trying to sow hatred towards the Government and that its actions could spark racial clashes.

He said such dangerous sentiments were being widely spread via MALRAF forums, distribution of books and leaflets, on websites as well as through the short messaging service.

“It is also trying to rope in gangsters to prevent local authorities from demolishing illegal surau, mosques and “kedai burger tepi jalan” in the near future"

“The fanning of such racial sentiments among the Malays is very unhealthy and dangerous,” Musa said, adding that the police would not hesitate to invoke the Internal Security Act (ISA) against those who abused technology to stoke racial hatred or unrest.

The IGP said those found guilty of spreading such messages through SMS or e-mail could be jailed up to three years, fined RM10,000, or both, under Section 28 of the ISA.

One of MALRAF leaders, UMNOputera bin Dibayar KJ, was reported as saying in an interview in Thursday’s edition of Singapore’s New Paper that that he would not rule out using violence.

He was quoted as saying that the protest by Bersih and HINDRAF in Kuala Lumpur last November inspired MALRAF’s public protest.

“The rakyat were prepared to die for their cause. I’ve shown slides of rakyats getting tear gassed and “disumbat black maria" during my roadshows and I think it struck a chord with the people"

“I think it’s quite unlikely we’ll head down that path towards a civil war but there’s always that possibility. Some of the uneducated may resort to violence,” UMNOputera was quoted as saying by the paper.

The lone FRU guy tried to blend in.But failed. His "Where's Waldo" skill sucked

Spot the FRU and Water Canon and win 1000000 dollars

I swear to god i am MELAYU

Yeah US toooo!

p/s: no MAMAKS Malays were harmed during this demonstration. FRU was being nice for once. Bravo. LOL

p/s More Pics and actual news can be found at Mahaguru58's blog

Bursting The Bubble

Pop Pop... deflate

A question on "Adab Seorang Melayu"

This should be interesting...

My last blog entry seems to rub certain people the wrong way. I just find the way how us Malays treat their dead interesting. Upon expiration all that is wrong will be forgotten. Only good things may be said about the dead from now on. This practice is not unique to just the Malays.

In communist Russia when Stalin kicked his mortal coil, he was hailed as the saviour of the motherland during the great patriotic war. No mention was ever made of the hundreds that died during Stalin’s mad purge of his inner circle (That decimated the Soviet armies which culminated in millions of conscript’s death due to lack of leadership). No mention was also made of atrocities done to the victim of his notorious Siberian gulags. But this is Russia. The cult of personality must be maintained for the betterment of the Rodina.Tovarish Stalin is the paragon of socialist superiority over the evils of capitalism. Talking about his “misdeeds” will only tarnish the righteousness of Marxist-Leninist ideology!

I find the uproar from you folks highly surprising. This is coming from the same group of people who laugh at him when he was dropped from the Klang seat just 2 weeks ago. Despite the difference in political views, Malays from BN or BR almost wholeheartedly forgave the deceased. The Russian might have rewritten the history upon Stalin’s death, but the victims never forgiven his atrocities. When the communist government fell, hundreds of monuments were erected at the former gulags so that people will never forget. In Malaysia I believe people genuinely forgive the deceased. All in all Malays believe in a type of karma. If you do good to others, others will reciprocate. If we forgive this man maybe in the future Allah will bless us. After all we are but simple creature. At the end of the day, all we wanted is a place in god’s heaven. Every little thing helps.

Tun Mahathir once said that “Melayu Mudah Lupa”. I don’t think he is right in his observation. Malays are not forgetful. We are just very forgiving. By forgiving the wrong doings, forgetting will come naturally. When we argue the first thing spoken to create reconciliation is the phrase;

“Sudah sudah lah tu.. Lupakan saja apa yang dia cakap”

Again this is interesting. Why do we think forgetting it will resolve the issue? It’s like sweeping it under the rug hoping it will go away. Does forgetting this man’s abuse of power help to eradicate the rampant corruption? He is not the only MP who abuses their power up and down the country (If malaysiakini's allegations are even half right). But it’s ok I guess. We have to make sure not to add more grievances to the grieving family. We should not remind them what a corrupt person daddy was. As “melayu beradab”, the feeling of the clan takes precedence over the feeling of the Klang Rakyats and rule of law.

So if you were reading the last post and got overtly offended. I’m sorry. Its just that I think Dato’ Z got the easy way out. With BR running the state I was hoping he would finally get his day in court (which would set in motion an unstoppable domino effect). I guess Allah’s court would have to do for now.

P/s: 7 drafts. 9 edits. Hours of thinking. Here is the final draft. I guess despite the anger I still manage to tone down the rhetoric to be less offensive. Deep down inside there is still a “melayu beradab” inside of me.

p/p/s: if Adolf Hitler , Slobodan Milosevic and Hirohito is a Malay, do you think we will extend the same courtesy? I’m not saying DZ is in the same league as these despots. I’m just posing this question to know what’s your opinion if they are malay? An exercise of morality.

Too Soon?

Nah! A true comedian seize the moment!

Dedicated to the fine people of 4Chan and Encylopedia Dramatica. Epic lulz!

The “Awesomeness” of Malay Cinema #2

It came from the FIFTIES!

Remember last month I slayed four Malay movies for their atrocious posters? Time for a few more to receive a smackdown this time around. Today I will concentrate on the movies made during the so called “Golden Age of Malay Cinema”. I am no too sure about the whole golden age thing. You see I always think P Ramble is a clever guy. He pretty much “borrowed” some of his ideas from Hollywood and then altered tit to suit the local market. Who can honestly say Do Re Mi and Bujang Lapok are not copies of The Three Stooges? Bah! I will save this discussion on a later date. As promised, today is poster smackdown day. Now to rip the Malay cinema greatness to shreds using P Ramlee’s movies!

We start off with the classic “Enam Jahanam”. I don’t think I‘ve ever seen this movie as a kid. My dad just wouldn’t let me. As a precocious kid I would probably ask him what “jahanam” means. That would be too much hassle for dear old dad to answer. In the poster they translated the title as The Six Plunderers. How lame is that? Personally I would call the movie "The Six Son of a Bitch" or "The Six S.O.Bs". That sounds so much better. This poster is full of WTF moments. If you look at the costume worn by P Ramlee it looked like leftovers from Laksamana Do Re Mi. The headgear is eerily familiar along with the belt and shirt. Then on the bottom left is a chap wearing a sombrero and boots (could this be P Ramlee’s homage to western movies?). Meanwhile on the top left there is a guy wearing modern day shades and holding a bow (wtf? wtf? wtf?). What time period is this movie? Modern? Steampunk? Ancient Malaya? Post apocalyptic future? This poster is confusing but still its not as bad as Tempo 88.

“Siapa Salah" is yet another obscure Malay film starring P Ramlee. Now can anyone guess what this movie is al about. The English title is “Who is Guilty?”. Guilty of what? Eating the last big piece of chicken reserved for daddy? Then the poster line dup the suspect on the margins. Dad, BABU ( wahaha babun!!)The son and the daughter in-law. The other two can’t be identified due to the stupid cropping. My guess would be “tukang masak” and “supir”. If I may guess what this movie is all about. I think it’s the movie version of Cluedo. The first board game was produced by Waddingtons in 1949. So my guess couldn’t be too far off the mark.

SItora The Tigerman.

Sheesh…I never knew superhero movie existed during the golden age. “Sitora Harimau Jadian” is yet another movie that I bet you guys never seen or heard off. It's amazing we never saw this on the telly because P Ramlee used to have a dedicated slot just for his movies on RTM. Was it banned due to its supernatural theme? Muhammad Rahmat is notorious for banning unislamic movie in the late 80’s to mid 90’s. But then again "Sumpahan Orang Minyak" and "Pendekar Bujang Lapok" were shown regularly. That must mean that this movie just suck major balls. To preserve P Ramlee’s status as the king of Malay cinema this movie must be buried and forgotten. I laugh at the image of the tigerman. Since when do tigers wear cape? Look at the image at the bottom right corner. See that tongue? Since I can’t see any menacing claws on tigerman, I guess he licks people to death with his tactile cat tongue. Imagine getting licked by a cat's tongue, only 100 times bigger. Death by extreme ickyness.

Words fail me. I just can't write anything about this poster. Just take a look at this Sejoli poster and laugh your ass off. Everything about this poster is weird.Look the the face of the uppercut recipient. EPIC FAIL!

Ok enough P Ramlee bashing. To be honest I love the guy. He is probably the only person who could use “ini kepala bapak kao” and not make it sound offensive. For my last poster smakcdown I present to you, Siti Muslihat.

Remember how the old people always telling us how awesome their English was in the fifties and sixties. How our education system now failed to teach proper queens English resulting in poor proficiency levels? Well whoop dee doo. Look what I found. This is probably the best evidence that English wasn’t so awesome back in the 50’s. I’m not sure if "laughing-est" is even a word in the English dictionary. Despite the atrocious English I would love to have this poster in my bedroom. The design and colours are bloody brilliant. This poster would look awesome next to my “Lukisan Berlumur Darah” poster. Come to think of it I should start a business selling vintage posters? What do you guys think? Interested?

Alrighty then. It’s a wrap. See you next time for more “awesome” movie posters!

p/s: serious question folks. Would you like to buy posters from old Malay movies? i know i would? they are just campy as hell!

Kereta Saya

Kisah kereta saya dan pusat servisnya.

Saya sudah memandu kereta ini selama 50 bulan.Sepanjang 50 bulan itu saya serahkan tugas menyeleggara kereta ditangan Pust Servis Encik Baris. Dia seorang lelaki tua yang direkomen oleh kedua-dua orang tua saya. Nenek dan Atuk saya sendiri pun rekemenkan Encik Baris kerana mereka sendiri sudah servis kereta disana sejak 1957 lagi.Boleh dikatakan track record Encik Baris bagus.

Kebelakangan ini saya sedar kereta saya tidak lagi berfungsi dengan baik. Malah makin teruk adalah. Bila saya bertanya pada En. Baris beliau berkata kos spare part naik. Maka saya harus bayar lebih jika mahu kereta saya tip top. Saya bayar sahaja. Ya lah. Takkan En. Baris mahu menipu saya. Kenal pun sudah lama. 50 bulan bukan 50 hari! Kemudian kereta saya rosak lagi. Saya hantar tapi sama juga. Masih banyak yang serupa tak kena. “ Kalau nak cepat bayar lebih sikit Obe..” “ Saya agak busy dengan kereta lain..apa kata En Obe pergi hantar kereta ke kedai menantu saya. Mekanik Kaji.Kedainya di Rembau!” . Oleh kerena malas hendak tunggu lama saya turutkan sahaja kata En Baris. Bayar lebih sikit. Saya hanya perlu ubah gaya hidup sikit .Bukan banyakpun.Kalau naik harga lagi saya ubah lagi gaya hidup.

Di tempat kerja ramai teman merungut.Semua kata Pusat Servis En Baris menipu, ambil untung lebih dan suka sangat tolak kerja ke Mekanik Kaji.Saya baca banyak ngomelan di internet tentang En Baris dan Kaji. Semunya rata-ratanya kurang enak dan penuh skandal!

Maka semalam saya tidak hantar kereta ke pusat servis Baris. Saya hantar kereta ke Pusat Servis Rakyat.Kini saya sudah ganti minyak hitam cap Bulan,tayar cap Adil dan system NoS cap Roket (Zazaoomm). Saya tidak mahu ganti semua. Bagi can tukar 5 part dahulu.Lihat ada perubahan atau tidak. Ada tak bezanya dari En Baris. Kalau elok memang lepas ni saya tukar semua part di Pusat Servis Rakyat. Kalau sengal mungkin saya kembali semula ke En Baris .

Sebagai pengguna kita tidak harus setia membabi buta. Buat pilihan selagi bagus servisnya. Tak begitu? Harapnya dalam beberapa bulan dihadapan ni 5 bahan ganti ini tak mendatangkan pening masalah.Saya juga akan perhatikan progress En Baris dan Pusat Servis Rakyat. Good competition makes good service kata orang putih.Saya juga yang untung kan?

YEAH THEY ARE OUT!!

FA CUP

Manchester United was dumped out of the FA Cup by the glorious Pompeys! get in there 'Arry! nice one gaffer. Rio as keeper is the funniest shit i have ever seen in my life!

on a side note

Samy Velu is out of Sg Siput

I guess Sg Siput people are cleverrrr! Thanks Sg Siput. You just retired Mr Ineffective no Value!

Giants of the north fell to the mighty pompeys! whoopeee

P/s: Barnsley kick Chelsea's ass too.....shocking! that is like BR kicking BN out of Selangor! God damn underdogs!

What'sThe Point of an MP again?

Late but who cares eh?

Vote for a voice in the Government, says Abdullah

PENANG: Dato’ Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi reminded the Chinese community that if they gave the DAP their votes, they will end up not having any representation in the Government.

“You have to decide if you want a louder voice in Parliament or representation in the Cabinet where they can be more effective in representing all communities,” the Barisan Nasional chairman said.

He said if the Chinese did not have representation in the Cabinet, their requests would not be heard.

Wait a minute. Is this coming from the same guy who said racial issue can't be used in this general election? Is this the same guy who said the opposition uses scare tactics and intimidation? How come he is not in jail or lambasted in the "newspaper”. Notice I put newspaper in inverted commas. What is it with the papers the past few weeks? There is hardly any news. Did crimes and death suddenly disappear in Malaysia come election time? The pages once reserved for daily news is now overtaken by endless write ups about how opposition fails and BN is God’s messenger on earth (well it sounded like that to me). If you open Utusan, Star or NST today, the first 25 pages will be littered with propagandas. I dunno how these journalists and editor can continue doing their job. I mean writing propaganda must be the worst job in the world. You can only spin certain stories so many times before you run out of ideas. I guess the fact that Malaysian is a forgetful lot makes their job somewhat easier.That and complete blackout of opposing views helps too!

Talking about forgetful why are Malaysian forgetful to begin with in the first place? Oh ya that’s right, the Newspaper is not doing their job in making people remember the misconduct of our “leaders”. Being a Malaysian politician I bet,is the easiest job in the world. Why do I say this? Well here is a list;

You don’t have to use your brain on conscience when passing laws in the Dewan Negara or Dewan Rakyat. I think Nazri Azizwas quoted saying, BN MPs are required to vote YES on every motion brought forward by BN and NO to every motion brought by opposition. Remember the two Penang BN MPs who were suspended for not voting yes to PORR? How about Dato’ Sharir who was punished by UMNO for agreeing with the opposition on investigating the Jasin MP a few years back ( here is a hint.. some balak from indon.. open one eye only please). I hope you guys remember these because if you don’t, GOOGLE IT.Only Shahrizat seems to be immune to this.Maybe the male BN MPs were too scared to be labelled a sexist and decide to let Shahrizat showing some women solidarity with a DAP MP slide. Just once.So in a nutshell the only required skill for a politician in BN is to be able to say AYE! Naikan TOl..AYE!.. Potong subsidi AYE!... Jangan jadi nakal macam Soi Lek NAYYYY!!!

Does this mean that if an opposition MP ask for new facilities for his constituents, his motion for such basic needs will be shot down in Dewan Negeri? (remember say NO the the ungrateful opposition and they one who voted them! Make 'em pay!) And then those fuckers in BN will say the opposition failed to help the Rakyat. The same fuckers who probably voted no on the motion in the first place. Wow awesome. Now I understand the brilliance of BN. All this while I thought they are stupid.Honestly that is the most ingenious way to make sure your opponents fail in life. I shall use this skill set when the time arrives (loud cackling with petir sambar menyambar di belakang!)

To be Malaysian MP you don’t have to be original. Parroting what was said by your “Holy Supreme Peerless Leader” is good enough to keep your ass in power. Notice how every time a journalist ask for comments from our ministers they will always say the same shit

“Sir what do think of His Holiness Hadhari’s move to keep his moustache all white?”
“Bagus bagus bagus bagus bagussss bagusss sangat. That shows him to be a true man of the Rakyat and good for futurelah”
“Sir I was asking about his moustache….”
“Yeah his moustache is the epitome of cleanliness and leadership qualities”
“…………………………”

If that is not bad enough, you can actually see all our politicians (regardless of which party) all talk in the same manner. If their intonation is to be plotted on a graph paper (or PowerPoint for you nerdy tech geeks!), you will see their intonation closely mirrors a sine wave. The monotonous ondulation have been around for decades. I heard it used by Tun Mahathir, Muhammad Rahmat, Tun Ghaffar and now in the new millennium by KJ and Hishamuddin. Come on man! Innovate. For someone who studies in Oxford ,KJ sure tries damn hard to make himself sound awfully dumbtastic. Maybe the people in Rembau like the old fashion way of giving a speech. I don’t know lah.

Bla Bla Bla Bla = Sin A

Last but not least being a politician in Malaysia is easy because you don’t have a public debate. I wrote about this a few weeks ago in my Obama post. I want to reiterate how important debate is to the Rakyat. See if the person you are putting into power really knows what he is talking about. Not reading from a que card or pre-written speech (not even by him). You might say no politician ever writes their own speech. While this is true, that does not mean he/she can just talk cock and offers useless sound bites all the time. When Abdullah got into power, people were aghast at his abject clueless ness. His most common reply to a question is “I am not aware of such things”. His first year was littered with him saying that line and now you can no longer see him answering real questions.

Ah why do I even write this shit? Why do I try to believe that people actually cares about Malaysia? I’m one of the 5 million unregistered voters in Malaysia. Why am I writing this when I know I won’t vote anyway? Well the answer is this simple. I don’t really give a damn about this country anyway. The world will end this August don't you know?. Please Google about the Hadron Collider and Black Hole and you will know what I mean. HAHAHA. I’m a tin headed lunatic.

p/s: Balik rumah tengok bola. Come on you Blues. Whack them Barnsley!
p/p/s: aku berjaya guna perkataan Ondulation and Sine Wave in a blog! I WIN.. I WIN!! HAHAHAHA.

Oh Snap

Hehehe

Saw this on NST today. Talk about unfortunate news placement. Poor old TDM. Not only is he forgotten by UMNO, now he accidentally admit to raping Marina. I wonder if this is deliberate?

epic lulz

Berita Terkini

Penggunaan Dakwat Batal,Maka;

Ada manusia mengimport ink india dengan niat mahu mengkucar kacirkan PRU tahun ini.Maka penggunaan ink india yang dimport dengan kos 1 juta secara automatik dibatalkan. Pilihanraya tahun ini jari kita confirm bersih! Boleh wudu' dengan tenang.Tiada lagi isu ini bodoh!

Tetapi bagaimana pula MYKAD palsu yang sememangnya wujud sudah bertahun-tahun lamanya?Saya sarankan Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara membatalkan MYKAD secara serta merta juga. Kita perlukan kad lain kerana MYKAD yang kita kobar-kobarkan sebagai "counterfeit proof" sebenarnya tidak. Kamon JPN. Be a man! Do the right thing

Wang ringgit kita juga ada yang palsu. Saya sarankan BANK NEGARA membatalkan penggunaan wang ringgit kita berkuat kuasa serta merta.Keluarkan duit baru sekarang! Saya tidak mahu terambil duit palsu dan jika kantul hilang nilai duit itu.Saya juga yang rugi!

Aku juga dengar ada wanita palsu di Lorong Haji Taib.Lelaki berhalkum menyamar jadi wanita.Hapuskan seluruh wanita di Malaysia secara serta merta juga! Walaupun bilangannya kecil saya tidak mahu bila bersenggama tiada lubang nikmat, tapi ada batang tajam. Tidak! Hapuskan wanita dari bumi Malaysia sekarang juga!

Yeah.. it all sound fucking ridiculous right? But I already see SPR doing this a long way away.The ink thing is a small appeasement move to make us believe that our VOTES count.When it's all rigged! That why I didn't even bother voting. Why waste my time to vote when the outcome is set? Why should you participate in this tom foolery? Vote for change? More like PRETENDING TO make a change!

P/s: Bah! At least Chelsea thumped Olympiakos and all English club made it to QF! (Liverpool look set anyway.. 2-0 up!) Come on ENGLAND!

LEGOLAD! Part:1

Confession of a LEGO addict

I’m a Lego lad. That means I grew up playing those cool ,made in Denmark plastic toys. It all started when I was 4-5 years old. The story goes a little something like this. When I was a kid I have a really bad dental problem. So every few months or so I have to go to a dentist to get my tooth checked. Klinik Doctor Young is a small dental practice in Damansara which I frequent. I think it’s still there. So anyway after a while I start hating these regular visits. I hate the smell of my tooth getting drilled. Then there is this little problem with the saliva suckers. It kept attaching itself to my tongue. That just sucks (literally)

This is one of the first motorised Lego.Very sought after!

So my mom would have to bribe me to get me to the dentist. Just a few doors down Dr. Young’s there is a small stationary shop called Sunflower. Weirdly enough there is a small section dedicated to Lego. I would come in crying after another tooth filling and point my fingers to a set of Lego that I like. Miraculously I would stop crying after that! Huzzah! I always get the small set that came in those 6”x4” boxes. But a few boxes (and dentist visit) later I have accumulated enough Lego brick to built huge castle and ships. I never built my Lego set according to the manual. Most of the time they are lame anyway.

1985-The set that started it all.

The Legendary Lego build manual!

As I got older I notice that Lego started making hinges and rotating part for their sets. The rotating brick is especially handy when I’m constructing cranes or helos. Around the same time I also started collecting Transformers. I would study the Transformers toys and then duplicate them in Lego. After a while I no longer play with my Transformers since my home made ones are a lot better. I remember constructing a ship that transforms into a robot. Such Transformers does not even exist! It’s a battleship complete with dual barrelled guns on deck built with stacked up LEGO heads! Come to think of it I might be a bit disturbed back then. Probably due to the constant bullying from my sister! HA HA!

Lego head barrels anyone. Made with Lego Designer 2.0

But what I like the most about Lego is the whole process of unpacking the box. Before ripping it open I will shake the box just to hear the bricks rustling inside. I do this so that I can guess how many bricks are inside. After tearing the side tabs I would then dump everything on the floor. The Lego would come inside translucent plastic bags with lots of small holes on them. As a kid there is nothing I enjoy most than ripping the plastic bag and then greeted by the smell of new Lego blocks. It does not smell like normal plastic. The smell would go away after a few weeks or so. I still can’t find anything else that smelled like fresh Lego.

As my Lego collection got bigger my dad bought me a Lego briefcase. It’s a blue plastic briefcase with the Lego logo stamped on the side. It’s the illest shit for a 6 year old. I would go to kindergarten carrying the stupid briefcase. Since it’s made of plastic its waterproof and is hard as hell. The perfect briefcase for a rough little lad that i was.The only downside to this briefcase is the sound of my stationary getting tossed around in it as I walk.

The Lego Briefcase! i lost mine but i manage to Google this one!

When my family got bigger each one of us would get a Lego set during birthdays or special occasions (around 8 years old mom stopped bribing me with Lego!). This posed a problem among us Saharudins. How do you distinguish who owns a certain Lego block? They all look the same. We would quarrel on who gets the special “hinge brick” or get to play with the “horse brick”. No one ever fought for the green tree bricks. It’s probably the most useless Lego “brick” of them all. I only remember seeing my 3 year old sister chewing on it. That would be its primary function. As a gnawing material for kid sisters!!

The useless brick club! LOL

Next part: Lego Technic and Duplo

p/s: Donwload the Lego Digital Designer here. Make your own lego set!! --->http://ldd.lego.com/

The Truth About HDTV

1080p.1080i ,720p, 480p... what is this tech speak?

1080P.. wowo.. Buy it now and enjoy HD quality picture in your home! Yes sir your ASTRO picture will look as good as those CSI TV series you downloaded off the web. Yes and your pornos will look twice as sharp as well. That means you can see the warts and fungal infection on your favourite adult stars too! HD venereal disease. Awesome dudes!

I hate TV salesmen. One of them tried to sell me a SONY Bravia TV will the false pretence above. Does he think I’m that stupid to believe in such lies. I might fail my electronic class but I do know you can’t turn a standard definition (SD) broadcast into a high definition (HD) one just by buying these nifty five thousand dollar televisions.

“Then how come the pictures I see in the showroom look so bloody sharp! The chick in the bikini looks so fine.. I can even see individual hair on the arm!!”

All those 4 minutes vignettes are stored inside a display unit’s HD disc. It might be Blu Ray (BD) or the now defunct HD-DVD. Your normal double sided DVD can cram in 9.4 GB worth of data. A BD disc in the other hand can cram in 50 GB. See the difference? That why that Batman Begins demo in Seng Heng looks so fucking awesome. You can even see the man-tache on Katie Holmes! For the love of XENU! The jump in quality between DVD to HD movies is just like the jump between VCD to DVD.You will be amazed at the amount of details on HD movies.

So what is 1080p. Well in computer speak it's 1920x1080 resolution. Most 17 inch monitor uses 1024x768 resolution. Even my 22” widescreen monitor can only go up to 1660x1050 in resolution. Normal DVD movies ( and I mean original DVD, not those Ah Pek’s DVD5 lanxio edition) have the resolution of 720 × 576.So as you can see real HD (1080P) has more than twice the picture quality of DVD. Compare this to a lowly VCD with just 352x288 worth of pixel resolution!! So you can see the jump is actually more significant from DVD to HD than VCD to DVD.

Different broadcast screen size (note:not to scale)

So why are the fools in Seng Heng ( or any other electronic store) try to sell you these overprice white elephants? All the TV channels in Malaysia (ASTRO included!) are broadcasted in standard PAL resolution of 720×576 (also called 576i). So imagine stretching that smudge on your brand new Bravia TV! The smudge will look even shittier now. You just bought a five thousand ringgit magnifying glass!! Just to show you how bad the SD broadcast is in Malaysia.

If you still can’t quite grasp the idea of stretching SD broadcast into you HD TV here is a good analogy;

SD UMNO

HD UMNO logo ( using the 2.667 enlargement ratio of SD to HD)

In Conclusion : UMNO flog still look shitty in HD. Dare i say SHITTIER? (LOLLLLLLLLL oh SNAP!)

“But what about this upscaling that the salesman keep telling me about”

There is such thing called upscaling. It's like enlarging a smaller picture to be 1080P (1920x1080 resolution).its basically Photoshop for moving pictures.The upscaler will enlarge a smaller picture so it will be bigger.Pixels will be interpolated so that it will be a full HD signal. The problem lies in the interpolation itself. The software algorithm can only guess and fill up the missing pixels. You will then get “soft” image with extreme aliasing to reduce the jaggies (as seen in the second UMNO flag).Then you must also remember ASTRO decoders only have two outputs. Composite RGB and SVideo. Composite RGB is the standard yellow, red and white connectors while SVideo is the more expensive gold connectors. HD image can only be transferred using an HDMI or Component cable. Of the two HDMI will give you the better picture due to its 100% digital signal. None of these are currently available at the back of current Astro decoders.

Component (note the 5 head) and HDMI cable

So keep that money in your wallet Don’t buy an HDTV unless you have a stand alone HD-DVD or Blu Ray player ( like the PS3). Then look forward to spend 250 ringgit a pop for an original BD disc movie. On a side note may I remind you that BD is pirate proof? Unlike DVD and VCD Sony is adamant on selling BD replicator machine only to reputable businesses. They learned a lot from the DVD piracy fiasco. Have fun watching that free Casino Royale BD disc for the 100th time. I am sure you will enjoy it!

P/s: yeah I'm going nerd again. I'm just tired of listening to lies from salesman preying on uninformed customers!